For days, that familiar cloud has been hovering and last night, as I tried to sleep, it unleashed its torrent of black rain.
I'm back at school tomorrow and have been chastising myself (as always) for not getting the work done in advance that I wanted to do. I also intended to start, or re-start a number of other projects such as blogging properly, and – as so often – have composed a number of posts mentally that I never got round even to starting on the keyboard.
Even as I'm typing now, my mind is screaming "give it up: you got up later than you wanted to; you still have breakfast to make; you've at least got to get some marking started" and on, and on, and on. My mind is full of all the people I've come to admire and, yes, envy, for their ability to blog and tweet cogent and interesting material on a seemingly daily basis and be successful careerists with a range of interesting hobbies, and my feelings of inadequacy and and self-chastisement at not being a patch on them are cresting a wave again.
However, a few moments ago as I drew the curtains, having told my daughter I wouldn't have time to play Mario Kart with her as I just have too much work to do, the sun streamed in and she just said, "Happy day!", so I'm trying to think, "Why the hell not?" And it's most likely to be a happy day if I'm doing things I should be doing (albeit that it will never be enough), rather than wallowing in fear & loathing.
One thought on “The Fear”